Do'Nut Eat This

 In my defense, I want you to know that, being gluten sensitive, I have been deprived of gluten products for several years. I’ve made due and it’s been tolerable. More recently I made a decision to limit my sugar intake and on top of that, gave up coffee for the week. Hopefully this helps you understand the frame of mind I was in when the following took place.

The tantalizing aroma of fresh baked donuts permeated the room. A perky young lady in a crisp apron stood smiling at the door of our store, rectangular pink box balanced in her hand. With a dimpled smile she presented the offering to my co-worker and I. “Compliments of your new neighbor; our bakery opened today!”

With reverence we carried the box to the employee break room. Upon sitting it down, and lifting the lid, a small moan escaped my throat and tears threatened to spill. My knees buckled and I knew my willpower had just run out the door taking common sense and pride along with her. 

There inside, nestled gently in white tissue paper were a baker’s dozen of the loveliest assortment of hot fresh-out-of-the-bakery treats. Glazed and frosted donuts, some jelly filled, apple fritters, bear claws, and oh my -- maple bars! My hands flew to my eyes. "DON'T LOOK! TURN AWAY NOW!!" But it was too late. Gluten be damned. Sugar free be damned. Forget about the strict healthy eating plan I was determined to follow.

The maple bar was cut in half in a futile attempt of restraint but I knew it was a joke. The entire bar would be eaten, by me, and in short order! In a heartbeat the feeding frenzy was on. Each bite was shameless unadulterated pleasure. Whimpers of ecstasy from my corner of the break room caused my co-worker to look over and chuckle. And, then, it was over. All that was left was the sweet stickiness on my fingers and a frosting glaze on my chin. I sighed and burped delicately.

Later, at home, as I rolled in discomfort from the thickening around my waist where my pants cut into my bloated belly, I sighed again and this time the burp was a belch and there was nothing lady like about it. But was it worth it?

 Finding a last drop of glaze in my bra cup as I undressed I said softly "Yes.” I licked the glaze off my bra. "It tasted just like a baby angel*."

*Credit Tim Hawkins for this amazing quote

Duck A L'range

Setting the mood: Choose a simple but elegant menu. A beautifully set table can be created with artistic place cards, Christmas themed serving dishes and an impressive holly infused evergreen center piece. Plan for Christmas music to be playing softly in the background.

The writer pauses and takes another sip of her tea. A smile curls her lips. As she continues to pen instructions, the memory of a Christmas past teases her.

They were house sitting for friends and the residence, well outfitted with fine china and a state of the art kitchen, was not familiar. Nor was cooking or setting a perfect table for the young bride. It would be her first Christmas as a wife. Her sister and brother-in-law were in town for the holidays and she so wanted to impress them. 

Using made to order handcrafted invitations would add a distinctive flair to this event.

The handmade invitation with the promise of a special home cooked meal was all the more unique because it would feature something none of them had ever eaten. 

Duck a L‘orange. So exotic! The duck, a plump memory from last summer, had been waiting in the freezer for just the right occasion. The recipe, pulled from the cookbook found in the state of the art kitchen, sounded slightly tricky but oh so lovely. Fruited Jell-O, mashed potatoes and warmed rolls would round out the meal followed by German chocolate cake! Yum! 

Everything about the decorations for the celebration should be festive. Silver & red make a striking combination. Choose candles in matching colors and use the theme throughout the house. Mulled hot cider can add a special spice to the air but you will also want a bottle of chilled wine on hand.

There were candles that night, she recalls, although she couldn't find candlesticks, so had fallen back on the little room freshener candles she borrowed from the bathroom. Sparkling cider replaced wine, for at 20 years of age she still could not legally buy alcohol. She hadn’t thought to send her husband. 

Proper preparation is important so that you will be able to focus your attention on your guests.

She had labored over the duck, allowing for a slow defrost. The skewers needed for the neck skin challenged her but she got innovative with large safety pins. Unfortunately, she was so intent on glazing the duck as often as she could, that the potatoes overcooked and by the time she rescued them, were a soupy mess. They were hard to drain without losing the whole pot so she added instant potato flakes she found in the pantry, along with lots of butter and a splash of milk. It still looked like potato soup but there wasn’t time to cook a new batch. At least the rolls, the brown and serve variety would be-- oh no! From the corner of her eye she saw flames and rushed to the stove just in time to pull out a burning paper bag. So much for the rolls. 

The cake, however, was perfect. Thick frosting hid the slight indentation in the center. “Thank you Betty Crocker” she murmured. Only 10 minutes till their guests were due to arrive. She pulled off the stained apron and brushed the wrinkles out of her red silky blouse. 

Consider serving your dinner family style, rather than serving plates individually from the kitchen, if the group is fairly large sized. Allow enough food for serving seconds.

The writer chuckles as she mulls over that last line.

For the duck had appeared impressively plump when dressed in its feathers. Now as her husband gallantly set about carving, it seemed mighty lean. 
Skinny. 
Bony. 
As golden as it looked and as heavenly as it smelled, it wasn’t anything now but skin and bones.

A half set jell-o muddled together with soupy potatoes, as the foursome pretended to eat orange scented meat. 

Allow time for the meal to settle; serve dessert in the living room with coffee or a dessert wine.

The mortified young bride gave up and pushed her plate away. “Dessert anyone?” 

Eager nods of assent sent her scurrying to the kitchen for the cake.

The writer lays down her pen. The “Dummies Guide to Holiday Entertaining” is nearly finished. And there is a fresh chocolate cake in the kitchen calling her name.