Let It Be Now

She holds in her hand a check for $100. Made out to her. One hundred dollars is not a fortune but it is more money than she has had access to in all her 12 years of married life. She was surprised when she opened the mailbox and found the letter addressed to her. Stunned when she ripped open the envelope and the check slipped out. The accompanying note simple said "Thank you for blessing us with your music." and she'd flushed as she thought about last weekend and the anniversary party for the older couple from church. Twenty five years was an accomplishment and she'd been shocked with the wife had called and asked if she would sing at their open house celebration. She liked singing, was able to carry a tune and not cause harm to anyone's eardrums but she never thought of herself as a singer. Still, she had enjoyed the moment of fame as she sang to the Wilsons and their room full of guests. Had flushed with pleasure as they politely and some, even enthusiastically, applauded when she'd finished her song. It wasn't till they were in the car driving home that Jim attacking her with his words, had methodically destroyed any pleasure she'd taken in her performance.

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She sighs and lays the check on the table. Brushes her hair back from her face and stares hard out the window. Jim is outside with the children. She needs to get dinner started but she can't bring herself to move. She picks the check up again and allows herself a brief moment to think about what she would do with $100 if  allowed. Because she knows that once Jim learns about the money he'll be taking the check to the bank to cash it and use for his own selfish purposes. She contemplates tucking the check away and destroying the note and envelope. Jim doesn't need to know about the money, does he? Could she keep it hidden, a secret, a little insurance for a "some day"?

Her heart pounds in her chest at the thought of keeping a secret  from her husband. She hasn't been able to do that sort of thing very successfully. Jim has an uncanny way of ferreting information from her. She bows her head in a moment of frustration and shame as she recalls some of the thoughts and feelings he's gotten her to share with him over the years, only to turn around and use it against her when she least expects it.

She knows it is wrong when Jim hits her but the subtle ways he abuses through the twisting of words is often harder to recognize. Manipulation seems to be something Jim excels at and she never seems to be strong enough or smart enough to combat it.

Defeated from her thoughts she lays the check back on the table and makes herself walk away. Jim will come in, see the check, demand answers and then will calmly put the check in his wallet and tomorrow they'll go to the bank, cash the check and that will be that. She'll never see the money, never experience the joy of spending something she's been gifted. It will just be one more way in which Jim reigns in their relationship and she shrinks once again.

As she pulls out pans from the cupboard the memory of a trip to town without Jim's permission rises up inside her. She'd impulsively decided to run to the store and pick up a few things to make a special dessert one afternoon but Jim had come home early. Of all days to come home unexpectedly, he'd come the one time she'd dared to go somewhere without his approval. Adrenalin pumps furiously as she recalls his seething anger when he met her in the driveway upon her return. She cringes as she remembers his face so close to hers, yelling, accusing, blaming. Her stomach turns as she remembers him throwing the sack of groceries to the ground and stomping on it, she flinches as her memory brings back the pain of the blows to her side and head as he drug her into the house. Punished for daring to do something on her own. For thinking she was clever.

That fear, that crippling fear is what makes her leave the check on the table. Let Jim decide to do with it as he sees fit. She knows she doesn't have the strength or courage to defy him or his wants and needs. Too many times of being beaten down over the years, experiencing that shrinking feeling when he wins has left her wrung out, helpless. Every time Jim succeeds in the wielding of power, she diminishes more. Some day she imagines she will just disappear altogether and a small part of her thinks this might be a relief. To not care anymore might be safer.

But as she watches her husband of 12 years walking towards the house, the children scrambling to try and keep up, something flickers inside her. Something akin to hope and that puzzles her.  She watches in bewilderment as their 10 year old son trips his younger sister in an effort to make it to his daddy's side before her. Watches how Jim chuckles as he realizes what the boy has done. With her heart in her throat she watches their 7 year old daughter fighting back tears as she struggles to her feet. Continues to watch as Jim picks her up and plunks her on his shoulders. Her heart aches for she knows-- Jim knows!-- her daughter dislikes heights and she watches her little girls face struggle with emotions. Jim has offered no comfort for the fall she's taken, now he's effectively robbed her of the decision to walk on her own.

She is thunderstruck then with the realization of how Jim isn't just controlling her life but also the lives of their children. Teaching them values she's never intended her children to learn. The abuse Jim dishes out on her is one thing but she sees clearly for perhaps the first time what he is also instilling in their kids.

It frightens her. Chills her. She knows what Jim's doing is wrong. Wrong and needs to be stopped. She feels powerless as she always does in the face of Jim's control.

And yet.

She walks back to the table where the check lays. What could she possibly do with just $100? Would it put gas in the tank and propel her down the road to freedom perhaps? Wouldn't  it at least get her as far as a shelter for women and children? She thinks about what she has done to 'earn' this monetary gift and shudders. The sense of empowerment is so foreign it overwhelms her. Does she have the courage to take charge of her life and make changes? The strength?

She stares at the check, hardly breathing, knowing her moments are limited. Fingers crawling nervously on the table,fresh fear bringing a binding pain across her chest. It's now or never. Watching surreptitiously through the window, she snatches up the check,  tucking it into the waist band of her jeans and gathers the envelope and note. Can she really do this? 

It is only $100 but it is more money than she'd ever had access to in the 12 years of marriage. It's now or never had been her thought. And with determination that she's forgotten she possesses she tells herself let it be now.